Sunday, November 29, 2009

Oversized Ornithophobia

I thought Jimmy would enjoy watching 1978's Christmas Eve on Sesame Street with me, but he Feliz Navidoesn't. I think he's afraid of the beastly old-school Big Bird skating around, he hid behind my chair. I'm afraid what would happen if I showed him this:

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Paul's Hair and Teeth Are Dead. Right??

Yesterday I was whining about how the ABC version of Paul McCartney's Good Evening New York City was a little bleak. I've always loved the the druggy explorative/Hare Krishna Beatles, but never much of a Fab Four fan. I have infinite respect for Padre Paul, I even like Wings, but just don't really need to hear "I Saw Her Standing There" againnnn in my lifetime, not from one the few living legends left on earth. It made me a little crabby so I started picking things apart, like that faux fox waving at me from the top of his head.

It was driving me crazy, all flappy.

Then out came fellow sextogenarian Billy Joel to help Sir Paul sing about girls being Just 17, and yet I found myself admiring Billy's commitment to growing old gracefully. But then, I guess the silver bullet look is probably easier when you have the same headshape as perennial super mass-appeal-licious badass: Bruce Willis.



And then I started listening. When you work on the phone you're blind to the way people look so you start developing extra senses to compensate. I've discovered as a phone workerbee that one occupational hazard is how I can now identify when people wear dentures. Yuck skill, yes. Useless skill, definitely. Useless...until you're disappointed in a highly promoted production and you find an opportunity to shout "Oh mi-gawd, listen to hiiim, he tawtally has dentures, gro-hoss!"

Wally didn't buy it so today I set out to investigate my denture theory...because Paul McCartney's dental health is totally my business. Just like it was my business to figure out that Joe Jackson castrated young Michael Jackson to keep his voice high. (It all added up, the voice, the animosity towards his father, the kids who don't share his DNA. Oh how I dreamt of the day that his secret would be exposed from his dark lair of Lord Knows What Else [but I never wished it to be so soon---RIP Michael!] and how people would chant "Rachel! You were right! Autopsy reports show that Michael has been spayed! He is the eunuch you told us he was!" Alas, as the freemasons have kept Michael's bones and his absence of genitalia a secret from the mainstream world, so) I now hold a determination to prove that She Whusch Jusht Sheventeen for a prosthetic reason.

First stop: Google.

I get nothin'.

Second stop: Google, but deeper. I discover there is a giant and tight group of people who still insist that Paul Is Dead. I find this photo which is reported to be evidence of a scooter accident that knocked out his front teef (<--genuine British pronunciation, Supernanny says so.)

I'm not sure that's enough, that he has fake buckers. The way he was singing, it was so obvious that entire panels of teeth and gums and plastic were about ready to skip across the stage and into the audience. I had to get more proof....

I liked the idea of old photos, and figured that if I got good dentular shot from old and recent photos, the difference in dental lines would prove my theory. Right?

Ok, Snagglepuss appears to have had the same-looking teeth for a long time. Maybe he got really bad British dentures, too? I suppose that's probably...doubtful.

Oh well. Someday one of my theories will come true. Like the one about the H1N1 shot being used to sterilize the country for population control. Laugh if you want, hahaha...but you'll be thinking of this post as you're nagging again for grandchildren. Muuuuughuuuuhhuuaaarraahahahahaaaaaa... (<--that's not my own personal dark sinister laugh, it's the one of Big Pharma and the Gov't, jussclarifyin'.) (And I know, that was Howie Mandel back there.)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Weird Day

This weird day sorta started last night when we got home from Thanksgiving, hubby and I settled into the Beyonce special on ABC, and we were both so moved by it we were crying. Which was a little unexpected, and even more unexpected was the level of bitching I was forced into during the Paul McCartney special that immediately followed I Am Yours.... Sir Paul, why? What happened? Then I went to bed at 11pm to get enough rest for my first ever Black Friday event.

The past few years I've done all my holiday shopping online but now that Jimmy's got a little more personality and would get a clear jolt from certain items, I wanted to make sure I got the right items and the best price on them. I did a lot of research on his "big" present and all signs pointed to the Thomas and Friends Farewell at the Docks Set at Toys R Us, and they also had Hero of the Rails on Black Friday sale for 9.99...when I hate to pay more than 9.99 for dvds and knowing that this one never goes on sale, I figured waking up a little early was worth the savings.

I was so nervous that I was going to oversleep that I got really crap sleep. Jimmy was having a rough night, I think his latest Peanut Butter & Jelly Oatmeal craze has been causing him problems for the past three nights, Toys R Us was opening at 5am, I ended up getting up at 4:53, found a parking space at 5:11 and I got that knife in the gut feeling that you get from staying up all night and also briefly panicked when I saw the checkout marathon for fear that maybe Farewell at the Docks was sold out. (It was not.) The crowds and fluorescent lights made my heart beat all grody, but the checkout line went fast and then I could physically not park at Target and was home by 6am.

Knowing that Jimmy could be up any minute had me too edgy to fall back asleep, and then I spent hours removing the malware that was making my computer crawl (thanks, Hunny) and it was rainy all day and I kept having to re-do the fire and next thing I knew it was dark again. And it's back to work tomorrow, waaaaah, and on top of it all it was Wally's birthday today! He was having moments of shittiness, I don't think he cared much for the Active Pants I got for him, mryeeeeh, it was just one of those screwy days.

With luck, Sunday will feel a little more on-track, Hunny Bunny has a show, you're invited!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Did Someone Blink?

That is the question my camera asked me when I took this photo of tonight's surprise evening snooze. "Did someone blink?" it asks.

MEEEEE! :sob:


This is Jimmy in the same corner of the couch, how'd he get so BIG?? But sure, 2.5 is still young, right. But in another 2.5 years he'll be FIVE! Whherrrsszzh? No more blinking for me. None!

Thanksgiving Movies

Apologies for hyper movie-referencing lately, but I love movies, movies are my favorite (a la Elf.) And I love holiday festivities, so there we all are. On the eve of Thanksgiving 2009, this is me refusing to talk about Donny Osmond winning the Mirrorball Trophy, behold, a list of good Thanksgiving Movies!

There are 2 types of people: those like Woody Allen and those who HATE him. I'm a luvr. Hannah and Her Sisters starts and ends at Thanksgiving dinner parties, I always wondered why Woody chose the servants at them to be black (?) but the rest is what my 1986 mind figured was "adulthood." City life, pianos, jazz clubs, writing, producing, cigarettes, taxis, marriage, architecture, arts money, giant warm apartments on the Upper East Side, Thanksgiving parties... 2009 assessment: some of it I've got, some I dropped, and others...I still got time.

The Ice Storm. This one has Nixon masks, tense Protestant family Thanksgivings, fabulous cable knit eagle sweaters, creepy ministers, and key parties. There's not much to dislike there! Excellent dollop of heavy drama for the top of your pumpkin pie.

Hmmm...I don't think I picked up on the recurring neuro-drama themes in my favorite Thanksgiving movies. This one features another dysfunctional family (big-time) with a heavy undercurrent of cuckoo. Did you eat chicken pot pie?

And, I think that's it! I checked other lists for inspiration, the only other one I recognized was Planes Train and Automobiles, but this is a list of movies I like. Happy Thanksgiving, all!!! Especially you, Hugh!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Ok, maybe not as sick as this pumpkin, but definitely not up to parz. Mrwaaamm.

In the meantime, consider entering my pal Eileen's Bento Giveaway!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Here it comes...

...the list of my Favorite Christmas Movies! I realize it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but Love, Actually begins 5 weeks before Christmas and I always think "shucks, I wish I had the foresight to savor Christmas spirit that early in the season..." and today the calendar said that 5 Weeks Before Christmas was LAST FRIDAY. Well, dang. With a sleeping little guy on the couch, I've decided to give this Rated R movie its 2009 debut. And it's making me feel Christmassy!

So, without further ado,

Smother of One edition of My Favorite Christmas Movies

Bill Nighy, Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman, Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Billy Bob Thornton....if I need say more, you must run to the nearest phone and dial the digits "Nine One One" because, don't panic, but that faint breeze you're feeling is Jimmy waving bye-bye to your pulse (he's very keen on exits of all kinds, so don't wait. Dial! Everyone else may read on.)

PG humor that makes everyone snork. Bravo, Jon Favreau (and Will Ferrell probably deserves a few points, too.)

Christmas movie brought to us by the guy who made Crumb. Alarmingly kid-unfriendly, and makes us laugh all year long.

I don't typically like old movies, but I like this one. A lot!!!!

Not really a Christmas movie, but keeps its New Year's effervescence throughout the movie, which is fun and festive.

This one's kind of stupid and it has really bad roles for some of my very favorite actors, but the Jude Law of Attraction forces a magnetic pull from my eyes onto the screen. The English cottage is really cute, too.

Cousin Eddie's white v-neck sweater and black dickie turtleneck will always keep this movie on my list.

I love Bill Murray...and Buster Poindexter!

Wuh oh...I am being summonsed, will complete later...! Merry Christmas!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Overheard in Ventcilhaus

In the spirit of Overheard in Portland, here are some things I overheard around our house lately:

*Hunny, why do we have your boss's dentures?

*Oh, Jesus, phew, this is just chocolate all over his hands and mouth. I didn't want to think that he was going...there...

*They're not bad, once you get past the fart taste.

*This cell phone cozy that you knitted looks like a penis's...weird...thing.

On ill-fitting, pain in the ass shoes:

Me: I'll forgo a nap, feed Jimmy, give him a bath, get him dressed, and take him to the store so you can get a minute to yourself, if I can just ask you to get his shoes on.

Hubby: No fair!

Stupid Questions:

*This deal is for 4 cartons of ice cream, will that fit in our freezer?

*Hunny, when do you want to start watching The Sound of Music?

*Jimmy, wanna try using the potty?

*Hunny, would you like to put the tree up on your birthday, the day after Thanksgiving? It's up to you.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Eau de Beurre d'Arachide

The time has come, Jimmy has developed the PB touch, the dominant scent in our house is peanut buttery. I've found peanut butter fingerprints on this laptop screen, on the floor, on the cats, on his toys, on his books, on the remote control, on the lamp, on the sticks he hands us for kindling. For the longest time we were apprehensive about letting Jimmy eat peanut butter, what with fears of hives and choking and anaphylaxis and crunch monsters and eboli, but (long story short) Jimmy grew tired of us keeping it from him, so he has introduced us to a whole new world of snacking...and, well, way of life. He never says 'no' to it, he often asks for it by name, it's cheap, he even likes the dirty hippie kind that you have to stir. I was anxious to learn the word for it in ASL, but this demonstration seriously grossed me out! And I wasn't even grossed out that Jimmy's first taste was an ABC peanut butter mishap, why is that man doing that? Why is his dental plaque part of my son's favorite food? And it just keeps cycling, bllleeegggh! Since Jimmy still has just wee little hands we can thankfully resort to JSL (Jimmy Sign Language), and we've dumped the Dominique Dunne portion from our sign for Peanut Butter.

And I just spent a good 20 minutes trying to get him to make the sign on video...yet video. But when he does say it, it's really cute!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Now See Here

Wheeeeeee, after 2 portrait locations, 2 wardrobe changes, 2 new too-small shoes, 150 meltdowns, 1 quarter tank of gas, 2 tolls, 1 small handful of decent photos, 1 accident report, $79.99 + tax, 4 hours of ordeals, and 5 years shaved off my life, I've been able to order 50 Holiday Photo Cards for $$$FREEEEEE$$$ from the naive Fujirians at (Yes, Fuji, internet people are interested good deals. Yours rocks, and ovations for keeping your word, for the most part.)

Jimmy, uhhh....Jimmy didn't look this disheveled throughout the entire session, and look at that face!!! Even better photos are soon to come!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

10 Notable Movies

Just a quick post, notes on 10 of my favorite movies

Snatch--Bradpittian fun.

Love, Actually--I watch this one from Thanksgiving to Jan 1, and then it gets reshelved.

24 Hour Party People--Haunting and warm.

Kill Bill Vols. 1 and 2--Gripping, feel-good, scary, educational, funny, everything. Lifelong David Carradine fan now, may he rest in peace.

Election--Flawless movie. This movie has no flaws.

Rosemary's Baby--Roman Polanski will always be a genius in my book. See: Chinatown.

Shrek 2--Hilarious, beautiful, endlessly rewatchable.

Capturing the Friedmans--Jawdropping, the commentary track makes another documentary out of it, and proves that cops can be a bunch of pigs.

The Constant Gardner--Pregnancy, exciting plot, exposes pharmaceutical corruption.

The Business of Being Born--More corruption, the cartoon portion in the middle of the movie happened to Jimmy and me. Go Ricki!

GoodFellas--Favoritest movie ever, best movie ever made.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

7-11 Big Gulp

A glance at the first month archived at Girl Gone Child inspired me to post a compilation of 7 Things I Say Most Often

7) Wally's not in right now, can I take a message?

6) *Wheesh* Suck it in, Jimmy! Mumma needs help buttoning your pants!

5) What do you mean you won't honor this coupon??

4) Yes, I dyed my hair. Mm-hmm, 2.99 box job. Yup, I know...It was overdue.

3) Do you take Discover?

2) Jimmy, c'mere. C'mere, cutie. Cutie, c'mere. Jimmy. Jimmy. Cutie. Jimmy can you come here? Jimmy. JIMMY.

1) Hello, it's Rachel, thank you for calling, may I have your account number please.

I truly didn't want to have to list #1, but according to the stats my manager gives me every month I've said it 11,000 times so far this year, so I figured if I'm honest it's probably the front-runner. That's 11,000 people I never wanted to talk to with 11,000 problems I never really wanted to deal with. 11,000 painful lessons in patience, in mind-reading, in conversation control. 11,000 examples that cell phones are horrible inventions. 11,000 mind-bullets, 11,000 blood pressure pills, 11,000 misled assumptions, 11,000 corporate rules to abide, 11,000 nerve-shattering bells in my ear, 11,000 reminders that I'd rather be at home.

So, home is where I'm headed, starting December 19th. After taking 50,000 calls over 4 years I'm a LITTLE excited (!!!!) about being at home and only an eensy weensy bit incredibly apprehensive about the wholemoneything, but it's what we have to do if we're ever going to finish the house, restore Wally's sanity, and raise our child all at the same time. No one is more surprised than yours truly that #2 on the list registers as a NBW (no big whoop) on my stress-o-meter and that there's nothing I want to do more than to be my baby's mama, so I am (half) confident that we can overcome the Two Income Trap our society puts on families. Look out Tuesday Morning Toddler Hour At The Library For Free (or Monday, or Thursday, it doesn't matter!!!), here we come!! For the winter at least...after that, I may be back fake-smiling underneath the Janet Jackson headset, if I don't (although I'm secretly hoping to) get Dooced, that is!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Internet Likes You

...and it wants to save you money.

Holiday Bargains Found Online!!!

*Toys R Us: Hot Hasbro Games Deal ($0.57 Each!)

*50 Free Photo Cards + Free Standard Shipping
(It's for real--Thanks, Tina!)

*December 17, 2009 = Free Shipping Day!

*Leapfrog Tag Reading System, $28.99...Final Price $8.99 after Printable Coupons
At Target, scroll down for details

*Cyber Monday Deals for Discriminating Baby-Mummas
November 30, 2009

I just wanted to share...and hope to find more before the end of the season. Happy Early Holidays!!! (ouch, sorry)

Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' keeps me blogging. Try Dunkin' Donuts Coffee For Free. Get a Sample

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A couple photos...

...from today, as I wash dipeys, do other laundry, maintain the fire, plan Christmas, wish for a 1.5 hour block of time to get a haircut in the next 2 days (chya, right), watch the Thursday Night lineup, keep this boy dry as he seriously fights to be the ONLY laptop in the house...ever update and upload with your arms around 40 pounds of squirm that wants to help with the keyboard, oh my aching nerves!

Dilly Beans (and peppers, thanks M!)

Chilling in his undies, reading his newest favorite book--the Toys R Us catalog.

Geoffie, my eldest (17.25 years!)

Working on a tough puzzle.

I lied about washing diapers. I haven't even started them yet (waaaah!) and now Mr. Fine Motor Skillz is un-casing DVDs that are supposed to be out of his reach, and he just made his "I'm Pooping Hard" face (eyebrows and mouth go in opposing U-shapes.) My right eye feels like Don Knotts, why must night owls produce night owlets?


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Once Upon a Nine Years Ago Today...

...a certain backpack-toting guyprince walked me home from a small party and asked me at what time I turned into a pumpkin.

He was checking to see if we were compatible night owls (we were) and we've been hanging out ever since!

♥ Happy 11/11, Hunny!!! ♥

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thomas the Face Engine

I've been darned have I not been able to find the rolling face massager I bought from The Body Shop circa 2001, it sorta looked like this:

...except it was clear rubber and its wheels would have fit on a Thomas wooden railway which convinces me it was designed by a Mom whose child loved to run Thomas cars across her face,

...because it feels wonderful. Firrealll!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Ain't No Hole in the Washtub

A month or so ago Jimmy grew very concerned that his body was going to slip down the drain of the tub, and it's a phobia that's been hard to kick so I ended up taking my smelly baby to Target and tried an apple-bobbing tub on for size.

He loves it!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Nature Repeats Itself

I find it fascinating that natural patterns are everywhere.

There are Star Shapes

And Heart Shapes

And Spiral Shapes

And Pear Shapes

And repeats of Blue

And Orange

And Brown Log Shapes...

...whoa, sorry, I only say that one because of the firewood that hubby calls "the shitwood" as in "it's not that frigid out so use the shitwood in the fire tonight." It's from the tree that he had to trim to build the fence, it's Box Elder wood and not as quality as the split hardwood that we have out there.

The shitwood in action:

It turns out that it's actually not all that shitty. It's dry and Jimmy and I are nice and warm and I'm certainly thankful that it doesn't smell like burning shit, so I wanted to give it a break from the name "shitwood." However, when the fire is rolling and stove is open for loading, this wood does give off the faintest, ever most lightest whisper of...body odor.

I don't want to call it B.O.-wood, but it definitely is doomed with bodily excrescent qualities...and its scent is unmistakably another example of nature repeating herself!