Fast Forward To Today

I wish people would stop using the phrase "Fast forward to today..." when telling their stories. It's off-putting and retarded.

Signed,
Sorry if you're offended by "retarded." Really! I am! I understand how offensive it is! But I also think it's just funny, so I tend to use it a lot. Sorry!

PS, I also hate "here's the kicker." Both "fast forward" and "kicker" make the narrator sound like they think they are so much more in-the-know than the listenee. Of course a storyteller knows more about the story than we do, so STFU with the need to tell us so!