Through Firehose Colored Glasses: A Property Poem

A few nights ago I saw Valerie Haboush, the "Property Poet" on Nightline. Valerie is a copywriter contracted by agents to compose "mouth-watering descriptions of real estate" to help give properties an extra selling boost in this troubled market. The segment brought to mind some paperwork we found after we bought our house. The paperwork looked like a brainstorming session by the seller to gather ideas to help sell the house, and after living here with his family since the 1960s he listed its primary selling points as:

+Public pool down the street
+Cable line in the master bedroom
+Fire hydrant very close by.

Really. There wasn't much to "sell" but a lot's changed since 2004* yet still, watching that Nightline segment I couldn't help but wonder....what might a property poet poetically wax about OUR property......?


Hmmmm.......

A fantastical unilevel oasis awaits you on this corner lot flanked by lush city greenery and popular Section Huit housing. America is on the move as you enjoy private backyard views of glittering highway lights during hours of subdued repartee aside the tricklings of a river of transit. You will revel in opportunities to display your cultural spirit as urban artists arrange impromptu spray-painted murals on your new privacy fence. Imagine easy access to parks, shopping, and GED testing. Savor security surrounding you with a survivalist fish, gun, and worm shop outside your bedroom window, and a public fire hydrant just steps from your front door. Inside boasts hardwood floors, 2-inch maple countertops, and natural grain toilet seating. Environmentalists predict significant land erosion in the upcoming century---come secure your grandchildren's waterfront property today!

I don't know...that fire hydrant does sound pretty good, knock on wood, I should stop making fun of it!

*I love my house, I love everything my hubby has done to better it and I deeply appreciate all the help we've been given by friends and family (MG, BJ, MDL, M) to help return it to a homey, safe, livable state. Aspects that make our property undesirable to some are what I love about it, and I love highlighting the bright side of our life here! So, in other words---I'm not bitching about my house after so many people have worked so hard on it! I love it! And we don't even use the easy-access bedroom cable line!